So why? Should I travel across the country to meet a new niece and be sabotaged by the sister-in-law?
Dear Lizzy,
My brother and his wife, who live in New York, had their first child earlier this year. In March, my mother and father traveled to see them when the baby was three months old.
When they got there, my brother met them for dinner – alone. It took another day for him to tell them that his wife had decided they would have to quarantine for five days before they could see the baby (they were allowed to go on walks in a neighborhood park despite the cold weather, but not could hold the baby or go inside).
Needless to say, they were not thrilled with the turn of events and were, rightly, upset that they had not been informed of these preconditions before getting on the plane.
I believe my brother’s wife has severe social anxiety, pre-COVID, perhaps severe enough to qualify as a form of mental illness, which may very well be diagnosed, although this has not been shared with us. I’m sympathetic to that, and there are bigger issues at play here around boundaries and communication.
But now I’m more worried about our visit scheduled for July. We are only going for five days, and although the weather will probably be better during our stay, I will be furious if we travel there only to be told that we are not allowed to see my brother and his baby.
Our current plan is to come up with fun things to do with our own kids while we’re there, in case we are unexpectedly quarantined. But the bottom line is: Neither my wife nor I have much interest in visiting New York, and for the amount of money we spend on flights and hotel rooms, we think we’d have a lot more fun taking the kids to Hawaii or Mexico or really wherever. place with swimming pool.
My mother asked me not to tell my brother what she told me about their disastrous trip. That said, I could probably contact him and ask, in general terms, what restrictions, if any, his wife plans to place on us when we arrive, with regards to interacting with him and his family. Then again, given our past experience with his wife’s behavior, he may not yet know this.
How should I approach this complicated situation?
Traveling Brother
Dear traveling brother,
This is complicated and frustrating and I also think you’re on the right track.
You can approach the topic of quarantine from the side door, as if you were planning a trip, which in fact you are. What activities would your brother and family like to do? With a young baby, they may be limited, but they are actually in some ways less limited than you are since your children are older and need more entertainment. You really need a plan!
Put some concrete items on the calendar for your trip. Have dinner at this restaurant. An afternoon in this park. And then if he doesn’t bring it up or is cautious, assume there will be a quarantine and you might not be able to hold that baby, at least not indoors. Using this assumption, decide if you really want to go to New York. It will be expensive and possibly difficult – without a pool, what a bummer.
But also: New York! What a dream! Central Park, all those museums! You can hike for a day and see 100 things you’ve never seen before.
And honestly, I bet you can even find a pool.
I think if you go into the trip with a realistic expectation of what will happen to your brother’s family, you might actually have a lot of fun. You might not even see them! You can still have fun!
But it will take accepting your brother and sister-in-law for who they are, social anxiety and all, and that will always be the hardest part.
The other option, which is within your rights and perfectly reasonable, is to make an excuse and not go. Go to Hawaii or Mexico. But do it on a different week than you planned to visit your brother.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzzyacker! Or, if you want to ask me a question with complete anonymity, use this Google form.
Read more Why? here.
