- My husband and I are on the same page about almost everything except politics.
- Our debates can make us feel worlds apart.
- Our debates made me realize how much I equate being nice with being accepted and loved.
My husband has been my best friend for 20 years.
We met and married young, and throughout our 13-year marriage, we’ve been on the same page about almost everything – from finances to parenthood to what the next schedule would be. We could always talk about anything and we valued our in-depth conversations.
But when it comes to politics, our debates can feel like they’re destroying us.
We are from two different worlds with constantly evolving views
Born and raised in the UK, my husband moved to my hometown in Alabama after living in Australia for six years. I’ve lived in Alabama my entire life and our varied life experiences leave us a lot to talk about. We’re not polar opposites by any means, but our differences are enough to create some heated debates – often rooted in our different experiences.
We can’t help but talk about politics frequently. After all, we always talk about everything. It’s instinctive to ask each other what we think of the day’s headlines. But we’ve had enough contentious debates to be more selective about what we address and when.
As we have young children, it is difficult to find the right time to discuss politics. Normally we don’t have to hide our conversations from them, but when it comes to politics, I know kids can feel our temperature rising, even when we try to stay calm. Of course we assure them that everything is fine. We want them to grow up knowing that differences of opinion should not be feared and that even heated debates are healthy.
But I think I, more than my husband, still need to work on believing that.
Our debates made me realize how much I equate being nice with being accepted and loved. I haven’t had to challenge as much in our marriage since we are rarely on both sides of anything. I know that disagreeing with him on political issues isn’t a threat to our relationship, but sometimes that’s what it feels like. Sometimes it feels like we barely know each other and that can make me feel insecure about where we stand.
Help us remember that we are not reduced to our political perspectives
I don’t think we’re the only ones to blame for feeling so disconnected because of political differences. The divisive US political landscape certainly plays a role. It may seem like if you’re one degree on the other side, you’re totally wrong. As we settle into our positions, I find myself believing this about my husband – even though I know it’s not true.
But when we emerge from these intense debates, we remember that our identities are not reduced to our political perspectives. Our connection does not depend on where we fall on the political spectrum.
And when we take the time to understand where each other is coming from, we realize that the essential characteristics that we love and trust in each other drive our different political views.
When we can keep this in mind, listening to each other helps refine our opinions. While I can agree that it doesn’t make much sense to try to change a stranger’s politics over the Internet, I think that open and honest debates with those closest to us, whom we love and trust, have the capacity to be productive, however intense as they can be. . He and I have certainly changed our views in light of each other’s views.
What doesn’t serve us, though, is fighting with each other over things we have little real control over, so we’re working less hard to do so. It’s easier said than done.
The key for us, I think, is to trust the strength of our connection. I’m learning that disagreement doesn’t necessarily equal disconnection, as much as it may seem. And I’m getting more comfortable with that being part of our relationship.
I’m more convinced than ever that I don’t need someone who thinks exactly like me. Sharing drive does not require compliance. I just want someone who loves me, respects me and listens to me as I do.
And that’s something we’ve always done well.
